It all started simply enough. One day I woke up and decided I needed a new car. By lunch time I cruised my fresh, new ride off the lot, zero on the odometer, windows down, lean full on. Bass was thumping and the paint shimmered in the sun’s glare. In short, I was a baller.
That was the day I bought my Prius. I pictured flowers blooming and squirrels dancing in the wake of my exhaust just like those cheesy commercials.
Then, a few weeks later, I bought a bike rack. Yeah, I was that guy. Even if I was 300+ pounds, at least it looked like I exercised.
I suddenly found myself saying things like, Why can’t we all just love each other? and Everyone should just be themselves, man. It was as if some strange hippie virus lying dormant since the early 80’s had infected me and was moving through my blood.
I started growing a beard. I cancelled my cable. I bought the DVD Planet Earth. I voted for Obama.
When I became a vegan I swung full circle, joining ranks with those snooty people I used to mock. I signed up for the local co-op. When I go to their store, I carry the purple bag cloth bag like a badge of honor.
Oh, those bananas aren’t organic? I guess that’s okay for you to eat, but, shaking purple bag in their face, not for me. I shop at the co-op.
I bought their vegan cheese and organic flour and almond milk.
I stopped eating fast food, and I started blogging.
It’s only been a few months, but I think I’m on my way. I’ve only got a few things left to complete on the checklist, and I will fully transform into the peace-loving, Prius-driving, smoothie-drinking, hippie, liberal douche I was meant to become:
- Try tofu
- Actually enjoy eating tofu
- Buy a tie-dye shirt with a peace sign or “Make love, not war”
- Stop showering regularly in the interest of conserving water
- Continue growing my beard until I can braid it
- March at a rally and/or picket someone for a cause
- Start listening to Enya
- Go around lying to everyone: “No really! Kale smoothies are delicious!”
- Actually give a damn about bees moral rights in regards to eating honey
- Complete my goal of taking a hiatus for one year to be a vagabond and camp across the U.S. (i.e be homeless and live in the woods)
Any other suggestions?