Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first one says to the second one, “Man, it sure is getting hot in here.”
The second muffin jumps, “HOLY SHIT! A talking muffin!”
As a new vegan I’m still trying to wrap my head around why some people choose to give up animal products. I’d love to see the world’s cows and chickens dancing through the streets as much as the next guy. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see a group of cows dance a jig or chickens do the chicken dance (can they even do another dance?), but, honestly, that didn’t have one iota of one sliver of one thought in my head when I decided to become a vegan.
It basically went down like a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey:
Clothes lay flung across my bachelor’s apartment: a half-ripped t-shirt strewn across a lamp, a dirty sock lonely on the couch, pants tossed up against the wall. The shower breathed hot, wet steam onto the bathroom mirror as the the water banged off the porcelain tub. I stepped out from behind the plastic polka-dot curtain, unkempt beard screaming sex and dripping hot water onto the soft carpet.
Then I wiped away the steam from the mirror, looking at myself–naked, my hair the only thing about me remotely thin, and starting to feel cold. “You are one fat sonofabitch,” I said out loud. I stepped on the scale. The numbers 3-7-1 flashed before me, and then this thought: a couple more Big Macs I’ll be one fat, 400 pound sonofabitch.
Man have I got to get my shit together. I thought about those crazy hippies who only eat nuts and rabbit food. Yeah, I should try that. An hour later I had a blog and was a vegan.
Most the vegan blogs I read come from a whole different approach. I understand factory farms and the horrible conditions those animals live in, but I used to have a friend who had a cow in his backyard. Not on his parent’s farm but in his backyard with neighbors and a park next door and everything. Kids used to sneak over to the corner of the park and peek through the bushes at her. A little hick but hey, we grew up in Wisconsin. Now, she seemed a jolly enough fellow as far as cows go. And even though almond milk tastes way better, would drinking her happy, backyard, cow milk be so unreasonable if the almond milk had run dry?
I’m totally serious fellow vegans.
Or bees? Yes, honey is an animal product. But what if I had a happy bee farm, and they could roam free in my pretty garden and smell the flowers and sunshine . . . Whoa! Holy bananas! My happy bee farm is swarming right at me! Ahhhhhhhhh!
Do you really not grab a giant can of Raid and a big-ass shovel and laugh giddy, merciless laughter as you lay waste to those evil curmudgeons? Again, I’m totally serious here.
Or what about all these vegan products I wanted to buy and couldn’t? Seriously, I got so jazzed up when I saw “VEGAN” blaring out from the one shelf of the one health food isle in the town’s main grocery store. Then I flip the cookies over, and it says “Due to using the same equipment, may contain milk.” Well then how is that vegan you dirty little tease?
And what about all the wonderful plants? I’m just discovering that some people only eat fruit, as they don’t want to cause pain to the world’s plants. I’m all for harmonious living and being one with the world and all that jazz, but really? Really! They call themselves fruitarians. Buncha crazy goofballs with there silly names. Oh wait, I guess vegan isn’t that bad-ass a name either. See, fruit falls off of plants (it’s a non-killed product) and is there for the taking, whereas plants feelings get hurt when you rip them up from the ground and stuff your face with them.
Didn’t you plant-eating vegan bastards even see Lord of the Rings? Those trees can talk to each other you know. And they just may decide to come after you once they find out you’ve been blending his second cousin into your nasty green smoothie every morning. Or grinding his buddy up to powder, mixing him with bananas and walnuts and baking him alive in the oven.
But, damn, he sure is tasty.
So I’m curious. What made you become a vegan? Is it different now than when you first began?