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Vegan Apocalypse – What to do Before I Die

It’s hard to decide what to do with your last day on earth.  In fact, I almost forgot about the Apocalypse altogether.  The Midwest blizzard left me stranded at work all night, and by the time I got home, rested, and dressed, it was 10 am before I realized my world could come, quite literally, crashing down around me at any moment.

I thought about spending my last hours with my family, but if I’m going to be honest, I’ve seen enough of those knuckleheads in my 27 years on this planet.  If I was going out, it would be with style and adventure.

I’ve been living as a broke vegan ever since starting this blog.  I decided to splurge.  Today, my last day on earth, I would finally eat a vegan cheeseburger and a vegan cookie.

First, I cleaned my apartment.  I know.  I know, the apocalypse and all, but I kept imagining this:

Year 3628: Historians in yellow hazmat suits work there way through my apartment building.  They open my door and are bombarded by a thousand year old pungent aroma.  Dirty clothes lay scattered.  Christmas presents are still unwrapped.  Garbage is full.

The men in suits exchange a look: “Are you telling me he couldn’t even be bothered to do the dishes before the world ended?”

I’m not a fan of condemnation against me, even if I’m long gone when it happens.  So I cleaned my apartment, did my laundry, and washed the dishes out of guilt.

I’d gone a lifetime without eating a dreaded “veggie burger.”  It’d been over a month since I’d shoved my face with a sweet.  To you normal folks out there that may not seem like much, but to a 345 pound man, it sure felt like a lifetime.  The clock struck noon.  I wished this Apocalypse would at least leave an email or text.  I wasn’t sure when this whole thing would begin.

The co-op was nearly empty.  Wraps were on sale half price, so I picked some up.  If it ended up being a zombie-type Apocalypse, I had leftovers in the fridge.  Come next Tuesday, locked inside against hordes of zombies trying to eat my brain, I might get a mean hankering for a bean burrito.

I tore open the Fudge Indulgence Cookie the second I got in the car.  Amazing.  Dessert first, you may be thinking?  Screw it, if it’s the last day on earth, let us not be total squares.

It was vegan though.  Damn well better be for a $1.89 cookie.  I may not be a square today, but don’t toss out my goals just because it’s the end of the world.

I scarfed down my Black Bean Southwest Organic Sunshine Veggie Burger (okay, fine, I’m a total square now) topped with rice cheese, lettuce, and pickles.  Tasty.  Too bad they came in a 3-pack.  The other two may go to waste.

If it’s a zombie Apocalypse and not just a regular old Apocalypse, remember the rules for being a vegan zombie in case you get bit and succumb to zombie-ism: you can’t eat other humans’ brains.  Go find some berries or nuts to nibble on.  Don’t come knocking at my door.

It’s almost 2:00.  I’m not sure anyone will read this.  If this Apocalypse started on the other side of the world, many of you may already be dead.

On the plus side I got freshly pressed my last day on earth.  I will have my fifteen minutes.  On the negative side I just realized I spent my last day on this planet chasing down a cookie, eating a veggie burger, and blogging.

Maybe I should head over to my parents and say goodbye?  Too bad I have to work at four.

I’ve always been a total square.


  1. You’re hilarious! Kudos for you for sticking vegan. If it was truly the end of the world you could have thrown being vegan out the window and had a big fat juicy steak, so at least you are doing well!

  2. I’m on a very similar path as yours, so I figure Friday was the end of *something.* Old habits, old paradigms, old shackles. Here’s to our New World!

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