Dear Future Self,
I gave a lot of thought to suicide today. Not that I was planning to actually do it, mind you. I mean, spoiler alert! You’re not dead. Hope I didn’t ruin it for you.
But I did have one of those days where my shoulder was hurting like a sonofabitch and I thought, damn, I don’t know if I’ll be able to take this at 50. Maybe I could kill myself then and not deal with all that old age bullshit. This note is a friendly little reminder to you, or me, or my future self, however you want to look at it. Just remember please do not kill yourself. If this thought comes through your head, it is a bad idea.
This seems like common sense and something that doesn’t require a written warning. But then again, we’ve witnessed (and performed) many acts that go against common sense. For instance:
- don’t stick a key into an electrical socket (ouch)
- don’t attempt to start a lawnmower covered in gasoline (fire)
- don’t laugh at the principal when she’s attempting to discipline you (detention)
- don’t grab onto a electric fence (double ouch)
- don’t leave a Halloween card saying “Die! Ellen, DIE!” for your 4th grade teacher, then lie and say you didn’t when she interrogates you about your handwriting over lunch (police will be called, no bonus points awarded for creativity)
- don’t give a drunk girl your keys (sleeping outside is cold)
- don’t find a roommate on Craigslist (tossing shit angrily to the curb is a lot of work)
- don’t lie on a balcony drunk and eating Spaghettios (first floor neighbors will not be happy)
- don’t ever move to Iowa (you may actually kill yourself. This is not a joke.)
I think “don’t kill yourself,” is a valuable addition to my lifetime lists. Maybe it should even by my number one rule. After all, there’s no lesson to be learned from that one. It’s kind of a one shot deal.
Some days life sucks, like-fantasize-getting-creampied-by-a-giant-fucking-Mac-truck kind of bad day. Then you go for a walk, eat some vegan pizza and the world becomes right as rain. Or peachy keen. Or Zippity Doo Dah, bluebirds and sunshine. Pick your metaphor.
So bud, just a friendly reminder for us. And I gotta admit, you do have me a little worried, this being my third letter and all. I know there’s no mail on Saturdays now, but I’m assuming they do have mail in the future?
Anyways, if you get this keep it safe for one of those Mac-truck days. Then read this and remember, your gonna bite the bullet one day anyways. So crack a Corona, tear some shit up, and make some good memories before kicking the bucket.