Change for a Year

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Thoughts of a Fat Man During His First Run

6:00 a.m. Huh? Wait . . . what’s that noise!? Damn, it’s already six?

6:02 a.m. Why did you tell everyone you were going to start running?

6:08 a.m. C’mon, get your ass up!

6:17 a.m. Five more minutes.

6:26 a.m. Fuck it, lets stay fat.

6:27 a.m. Get your shit together man! Lets get moving.

6:35 a.m. Damn, brand new running shoes feel so good. Look at that bounce in my step.

6:36 a.m. I should drink something first, get my system going.

6:37 a.m. Maybe a banana, too.

6:39 a.m. Lets just rest a moment.

6:45 a.m. Get out the door already!

6:47 a.m. Gotta stretch first.

6:51 a.m. Ooh, take it easy champ. Almost pulled a hammy.

6:52 a.m. Shit, forget the iPod. Just run back inside quick.

6:54 a.m. I’m going to crush this shit. I’ll be running marathons in a month. Just gotta push myself.

6:55 a.m. Wait, I gotta pee first.

6:57 a.m. Man I’m tired.

6:58 a.m. Hey, the sun’s coming up.

6:59 a.m. Maybe I should just call it a day. I tried at least.

7:02  a.m. I hope that cute girl next door doesn’t see my fat ass running.

7:03 a.m. Or maybe she’ll see me and think, wow at that lovely gent trying to improve his life.

7:04 a.m. I’ll be a sexy beast if I keep this running thing up.

7:05 a.m.  Damn, where do I put my house keys? Guess I’ll just jingle while I run.

7:06 a.m. Okay, lets walk the first block, get warmed up.

7:08 a.m.  Hey, this isn’t so bad. Crisp fresh air. The world is quiet. I could get into doing this every day.

7:10 a.m. Damn, the iPod just died.

7:10 a.m. Fuck it, lets go home.

7:10 a.m. You pussy, just run.

7:12 a.m. Wow, running ain’t so bad. These shoes are so nice!

7:13 a.m. Damn, I breath SO loud. Like a fat hippopotamus.

7:14 a.m. Whew, only half a block and I’m getting tired.

7:15 a.m. Lets get to that tree at least.

7:15 a.m. Or how about that driveway. Yeah, that’ll be good.

7:15 a.m. Should be like 20 more seconds.

7:15 a.m. 20. 19. 18. 17 . . .

7:16 a.m. My lungs are going to explode.

7:16 a.m. Man, better slow it down.  Can’t . . . hardly . . .

7:16 a.m. Ah! Side cramp!

7:16 a.m. Close enough.

7:18 a.m. Time to go home.

7:19 a.m. Five minutes of running. That should equal a giant stack of vegan pancakes and big glass of chocolate almond milk, right?

9 Comments

  1. So funny! And so true, for all of us who have ever taken up running. : )

  2. LOVE THIS! It made my day! 😀

  3. Been there and done that. Stick with it, at least you started.

  4. Do you have a running room near you? The Learn to Run program worked wonders for me! 🙂

    • Never heard of running room or Learn to Run. What are they? Last time I ran (years ago) I did the couch to 5K program. I think I’ll start that next month and try to build back up slowly.

      • Running Room is a store we have in Canada, not sure if they have any in the States. The Learn to run program you start off with 1 min of walking and 1 minute of running for 20 mins and increase each week. So next 2 mins of running, 1 minute of walking, etc, etc. it was a great way to learn! If you don’t have that however, couch to 5K is a great alternative!

  5. Great start, buddy.

  6. I don’t care what size we are. All runners think like this some days! I became interested in running back in 2010 and 2011. I ran a few 5K’s and followed the Newbie Chronicles on Runnersworld.com religiously (very funny stuff). I was happy to see I wasn’t the only one lumbering through a run, jog, trot or whatever I could muster for the day. Keep at it; it gets easier. Careful with your knees though. Many trainers advise not to try running until below 280 because of the impact. I don’t know where you are in that part of your journey yet but do be careful. My good friend went from 454 pds to 240pds over 2 years and while that’s awesome, it cost him his knees now because he ran too soon. 🙁

    • Thanks for the advice. I plan on taking it easy and just getting in the habit of walking until I drop some pounds. I use to go on Runners World all the time when I started running years ago. It’s a great place to waste time.

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