Change for a Year

Take a year. Change your life.

Sarah’s 2012 To Do Lists

A short story in list form …

Things to do in 2012

  • Start going to Zumba with Kathy
  • Lose 20 pounds
  • Stop smoking pot
  • Don’t drink during the week
  • Don’t sleep with anyone on the first date
  • Stop dating losers

Losers I’ve dated (as pointed out by Kathy at Zumba)

  • Ben
  • Dave
  • Ben (again)
  • Jeremiah
  • Steven
  • Ben (again)
  • Maurice
  • John

Reasons I should let Kathy set me up

  • I’m 32
  • I don’t want to die alone
  • Someone to go to John Mayer concerts with
  • Kathy will finally shut up about that guy Jim she works with
  • Kids?

Reasons I should not let Kathy set me up

  • I’m only 32
  • She hates her husband

Reasons I think I might love Jim

  • He has a job
  • He doesn’t drink
  • He cooks
  • He hasn’t hit on my friends yet
  • He watched Project Runway with me last night

Things to do before Jim moves in

  • Clean out bathroom drawer
  • Make copy of keys
  • Buy new lingerie
  • Get wine

Who should be my bridesmaids?

  • Kathy
  • Julie
  • Katelyn
  • Aimee?
  • Vanessa?

Things Jim should have told me before we eloped

  • He doesn’t want kids
  • His ex-wife is a psycho
  • He’s going to get a new job and spend all his time on stupid business trips
  • All his friends (especially Doug) are perverts

Ways to get back at Jim for sleeping with his skank secretary Cyndi at work

  • Tell him you know about her and want a divorice
  • Email his whole work those naked pictures he made me take of him
  • Catch them in the act and then burn the house down with Jim and Cyndi inside

Reasons Kathy is an bitch

  • It was her idea to see Jim
  • Said Jim would “never do that” when I told her he was cheating
  • She may be trying to sleep with Jim too

Easiest ways to kill Jim and get away with it

  • Car accident
  • Peanut allergy
  • Hire a hitman
  • Drug him and suffocate him
  • Drug him and bury in desert
  • Drug him and throw him in ocean
  • Hunting accident
  • Start a fight and kill him in self-defense
  • Go sightseeing and push him over a cliff
  • Accidentally run over him with Subaru
  • Start a gas leak and blow up the house

Reasons I should not kill Jim

  • Possibility of prison
  • ?

Things to tell Jim at dinner tonight

  • That you love him
  • That you want to work it out
  • That you’re going to give him the best birthday ever
  • That you’re renting a boat and going to eat under the stars on the ocean

Things to pick up at Walmart next Tuesday

  • Rubber gloves
  • Duct tape
  • Tarp
  • Weights (50 lbs? 100 lbs?)
  • Birthday cake
  • Wine
  • Ambien

Things I learned killing Jim

  • Candles on a boat are a bad idea
  • It takes A LOT of Ambien to drug someone
  • Bodies are heavy

Things I want to do when Jim has a funeral

  • Find out what other skanks slept with John
  • Whisper to Cyndi, “You’re next.”
  • Dance and scream, “I killed the bastard!” when they put him in the ground

Things I found out picking up Jim’s things from his work

  • Jim talked about me all the time
  • Cyndi is at least 60
  • I don’t think she slept with Jim

To do list for 2013

  • Work out more
  • Lose 20 pounds (for real)
  • Find a new man

4 Comments

  1. I am amused….but that was a bit disturbing in an interesting thought out way…

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