Alternative title #1: How to NOT do a juice fast
Alternative title #2: Will juicing cure all my disease? Man says, “I’d rather die.”
Alternative title #3: Big Macs and Cheese Pizza Dreams: How juicing made one vegan want to personally kill and eat a cow
So, I decided to try a 7-day juice fast – The first attempt
Things had been going well. I’m closing in on half-a-year vegan and have dropped 40+ pounds, but this damn beard needs to go before summer hits, and in order to shave I’ve got to drop another 25 pounds. Plus, I’ve been doing a few juices this month to try to actually be a “healthy” vegan rather than a stuff-your-face-full-of-Oreos-and-bbq-potato-chips vegan. How hard can it be? I thought. Veganism was way easier than I thought. Taking it one step further and sucking down Kale and beet juice on the regular for 7 days would be even better.
I imagined the boost of energy and hulk-like feeling from all the green juices flowing through my body.
I imagined the chutzpah I’d exude knowing I’d conquered this dumb human need for “solid food.”
I imagined stepping on the scale and seeing 299 and feeling the warm summer breeze against my freshly shaved face. Free at last!
Halfway through the first day I felt ravenous. I dreamed of cheese pizza oozing grease. I wanted nothing more than to eat a pound of beef slathered in cheese. And I never crave these things. Which is why being a vegan has been easy. I’ve got all the alternatives down. But something about not eating makes you throw away all your compassion and just want to EAT!
I lasted a whole 15 hours on my 7-day juice diet. After working all day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled in and ate a Big Mac in approximately three bites and 12.4 seconds. Then I ate a cheeseburger to top it off. Afterwards I felt like shit by the way. Even when I overeat on vegan food I never have that heavy, greasy feeling of meat just sitting in your stomach. I decided to quit the juicing. Being vegan and getting healthy is what this year is about, and I was doing just fine. Why mess with a good thing? One non-vegan meal over the course of this year wouldn’t be too bad. I’d get back on track in the morning.
Juice Fast – The Second Attempt
When I woke up I was renewed and decided to give it another shot. My first try lasted 15 hours and culminated in my first non-vegan meal in 5 months. But I could do this! Look at everyone else who’s doing it. I’m as strong-willed as they are.
Round two lasted until about 45 seconds after my morning juice.
I gagged and nearly threw up (but did completely get down) my tomato basil juice. I thought I could make a nice hearty, spicy, garlicky juice. It was awful. Standing in the corner and trying not to vomit, I grabbed some nuts and said, “Screw this shit.”
So I’ve tried juicing — and failed — twice now in just 24 hours. Time to refocus and get back onto the vegan track. I’ll worry about losing 120 pounds this year, getting in shape, and starting a new job. Juicing will have to wait.