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The Worst Blog Post Ever Written

When I started blogging I made only one rule, swearing up-and-down that I would never do this one thing. Today, I’m about to break that rule and write a wah!-my-life-is-busy-and-I’m-sorry-I-haven’t-been-blogging-very-often post. And if I’m going to go ahead and break that one rule, I figure, fuck it, let’s aim high and just try to make this the worst blog post ever.

Not only will I complain and and go on-and-on endlessly about why I’ve been so busy, I’m also going pull another classic and blame it on my awesome job getting PAID to write. Oh, woe is me! The gods have surely punished me by giving me my dream job and taking away from my blogging time where I pontificate on the meaning of life. Life is unfair. To hit the trifecta of blogging ineptitude, I will also present this as a top-10 list. Ready?

The top 10 things you missed this past month

1) I went to New York — probably the easiest city in the world to eat vegan — and ended up completely going off the wagon. Why, you ask. I blame my family, those bastards. More truthfully, it’s damn hard to do group travel for a whole week and not be the jackass messing up everyone’s schedule looking for the vegan place four blocks over when no one else wants to go there and you’ve got a million attractions to see. I went in with good intentions, researching a half-dozen places I had to try while in NYC. On day one I realized that wasn’t going to jive and spent the rest of the trip eating New York City pizza.

2) We saw Spiderman on Broadway — and it was pretty damn cool. Going to be wicked hard to see a regular play now. What? No flying aerial fights? No cast of a ten stuntmen playing one superhero? Even when MJ and Peter talked they did so 20 feet in the air on a swing. Oh, and Spidey tapped me on the shoulder in the big finale. So this summer I’ve manged to both hi-five Bush lead singer Gavin Rossdale and touch Spiderman.

3) While in New York I got a new job — Chief editor of HackSurfer. A brand new, kickass startup and they gave me the keys to the kingdom. Suckers.

4) Turns out I’m kind of full of shit — I preached not long ago, “the more you write, the more you write.” I guess in one sense that is true. I’m writing articles every day and a couple features every week, but at some point there is diminishing return.

5) My job rocks — not only do I get to interview cool people, work with awesome data no one else has and get to challenge myself to write quality articles, I also get to let loose and editorialize and be myself when I feel like. So far I’ve dropped clips from of Office Space, Chaka Kahn, Michael Scott and referenced Goodfellas a few times. Plus I get to editorialize and write things like, “What is this 1992? I wipe my ass with a billion dollars.” (NOTE: If I really had a billion dollars, I would not wipe my ass with it).

6) Vegan Movie Madness is still underway — I’m so close to having the next bracket complete — Animal Documentaries — and I’ve seen some truly terrific films that were moving and inspiring and horrific. I have two more left to go before I write everything up. Hopefully within the next month we’ll be able to crown the greatest vegan movie of all time, the Greatest of All Time! (for you Kayne fans)

7) But first I have to move — Ah! We will have 7 people in one house. But instead of working 50 hours a week stuck staring at a white wall, I get to sit staring out a window at a beautiful yard. Seems kind of pointless, but trust me, it’s going to be freakin’ AWESOME!

8) I’m still fat — in fact, sitting my fat ass in this chair for 50 hours a week, then blogging a few hours a week, then keeping in touch with friends via social media on the computer, sometimes means by big aerobic workout for the day is walking to the fridge to pour myself a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

9) But I should be back on track soon — settling into the new job, the new home, now I just need to settle back into my routine of getting some exercise and counting calories. Been a hectic period, and I really haven’t lost any weight the past few months. But I’ve only got 4 1/2 months left on this challenge, so I’ve got to get my ass in gear! That means more blogging because one thing is true, “the more you blog about it, the more you do it.”

10) Thanks for the kick in the butt! — I’ve had a couple people message me and basically say, “Get off your ass and write me some blogs to read dammit!” I needed that kick. But if you really miss me that much, head on over to HackSurfer (now SurfWatch Labs). Sure, it’s cybercrime news, but it’s still written by yours truly. On rare occasions I rise above moderately amusing and actually may make people crack a smile. Or hang here. I’ll try to get back to one or two blogs a week again.

4 Comments

  1. This is freaking wonderful. Love your sense of humor! Literally laughed out loud about your aerobic exercise. So good.

  2. Wow! You are hilarious lol 🙂 Great post. I wish you had more time to blog because this is the second post of yours I’ve read and I laugh pretty hard every time. Thanks for being awesome.

  3. Good to hear from you, getting a job on vacation is pretty spectacular! Lots of changes, looking forward to what it means for us, your readers. Me a new reader but still a reader. Plus I love your human qualities.

  4. Congrats on the new achievements; a positive view of your work is refreshing, and vegan advocacy too. Hope you find time for those on-hold items, and keep that sense of humor. Cheers!

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