I’ve got a lot to get done this year, and there ain’t no time for screwing around. Pick up the pizza boxes, spray a little air freshener, and toss on some fresh undies. No joke, fellas. Tis some serious shit about to go down.
I’m 28. In 16 months I turn 30. Being an aimless, unaccomplished loser is expected in your 20s. It’s cute. It’s charming. Live it up. Make mistakes. Do stupid shit while you can still blame it on “misspent youth.”
But what’s the point of all that soul searching? To finally have your life together once you hit 30, right? So let’s play a little game, a pre-test if you will. Don’t worry. There’s no wrong answers. It’s just a guide.
Are you too young for a midlife crisis?
Let’s start by revisiting the wide-eyed, world-is-my-oyster-and-owes-me-everything dreams my 15-year old self wanted accomplished by 30:
- At least three books on the New York Times bestseller list — No
- Some form of a daily Scrooge McDuck dive into my stacks of fat cash — No
- A car that can go 0-60 in exactly “No fucking way!” and looks exactly like “Damn, you’re a baller!” — No
- A beach in my backyard — No
- Ménage à trois with the Spice Girls — No
How about the typical I’m-30-and-I’m-a-real-man-now type goals?
- Married? — No
- Kids? — No
- House? — No
- Hey, at least you got your health, right? — No
- Assloads of debt? — Woo-hoo! I got one!
Seriously, dude, have you done anything right?
- Badass job? — Yes
- Badass friends? — Yes
- Badass girlfriend? — No
- Badass dog? — No
- Badass motorcycle? — Yes
Total points: 4
10 or more points: You’re awesome at life. Everybody loves you. People want to be you, but they can’t because you’re just too damn cool.
5-9 points: Man, life’s hard, isn’t it? Consider adding copious amounts of drugs and/or alcohol to your daily regimen. It’s probably going to get worse for you.
4 points or less: Seriously, that’s all you got. Were you even trying? You need a midlife crisis ASAP.
Damn, it’s time for a change
Whenever I think of 30, I imagine a miniature Louis C.K. perched on my shoulder (yeah, he’s my angel — or devil?) and whispering his standup in my ear, “You’re no longer young enough for anybody to ever be proud of you or impressed by you again. They’re just like, ‘Yeah, do your job asshole.’ Nobody cares. That’s what you’re supposed to do.”
No wonder BBC News says that the ten years after turning 35 is the most lonely, depressing and all-around miserable decade of a person’s life. Thirties suck.
Good thing 2014 is right around the corner, and it’s time for another challenge. 2013 was a great year, but it’s time to dream bigger.
So year two will be a bit bolder. I’ll just go completely mental and have my midlife crisis before I hit 30. That’ll be nice. Get it out of the way and all.
2014 – Midlife Crisis Goals
If I’m really honest with myself, there’s just a few things I’ve always wanted to do: sell everything I own and move on a whim, live by the ocean, become a runner, lose 100 pounds, get out of debt, write a book.
That’s a big year. But fuck it. Dream big! It’s pretty reasonable once some of them are consolidated …
- Sell everything I own and move to the ocean
- Become a runner and lose 100 pounds
- Get out of debt
- Write a book
Move, save money, get in shape. And write a book, though it’s not really a book, more of a project that needs some serious preparation.
2013 began with a single goal and morphed into a whole series of surprises. I hope 2014 is full of surprises as well.