Change for a Year

Take a year. Change your life.

The “Do You Need a Midlife Crisis?” Quiz

I’ve got a lot to get done this year, and there ain’t no time for screwing around. Pick up the pizza boxes, spray a little air freshener, and toss on some fresh undies. No joke, fellas. Tis some serious shit about to go down.

I’m 28. In 16 months I turn 30. Being an aimless, unaccomplished loser is expected in your 20s. It’s cute. It’s charming. Live it up. Make mistakes. Do stupid shit while you can still blame it on “misspent youth.”

But what’s the point of all that soul searching? To finally have your life together once you hit 30, right? So let’s play a little game, a pre-test if you will. Don’t worry. There’s no wrong answers. It’s just a guide.

Are you too young for a midlife crisis?

Let’s start by revisiting the wide-eyed, world-is-my-oyster-and-owes-me-everything dreams my 15-year old self wanted accomplished by 30:

  1. At least three books on the  New York Times bestseller list — No
  2. Some form of a daily Scrooge McDuck dive into my stacks of fat cash — No
  3. A car that can go 0-60 in exactly “No fucking way!” and looks exactly like “Damn, you’re a baller!” — No
  4. A beach in my backyard  — No
  5. Ménage à trois with the Spice Girls — No

How about the typical I’m-30-and-I’m-a-real-man-now type goals?

  1. Married? — No
  2. Kids? — No
  3. House? — No
  4. Hey, at least you got your health, right? — No
  5. Assloads of debt?  — Woo-hoo! I got one!

Seriously, dude, have you done anything right?

  1. Badass job? — Yes
  2. Badass friends?  — Yes
  3. Badass girlfriend? — No
  4. Badass dog? — No
  5. Badass motorcycle? — Yes

Total points: 4

10 or more points: You’re awesome at life. Everybody loves you. People want to be you, but they can’t because you’re just too damn cool.

5-9 points: Man, life’s hard, isn’t it? Consider adding copious amounts of drugs and/or alcohol to your daily regimen. It’s probably going to get worse for you.

4 points or less: Seriously, that’s all you got. Were you even trying? You need a midlife crisis ASAP.

Damn, it’s time for a change

Whenever I think of 30, I imagine a miniature Louis C.K. perched on my shoulder (yeah, he’s my angel — or devil?) and whispering his standup in my ear, “You’re no longer young enough for anybody to ever be proud of you or impressed by you again. They’re just like, ‘Yeah, do your job asshole.’ Nobody cares. That’s what you’re supposed to do.”

No wonder BBC News says that the ten years after turning 35 is the most lonely, depressing and all-around miserable decade of a person’s life. Thirties suck.

Good thing 2014 is right around the corner, and it’s time for another challenge. 2013 was a great year, but it’s time to dream bigger.

So year two will be a bit bolder. I’ll just go completely mental and have my midlife crisis before I hit 30. That’ll be nice. Get it out of the way and all.

2014 – Midlife Crisis Goals

If I’m really honest with myself, there’s just a few things I’ve always wanted to do: sell everything I own and move on a whim, live by the ocean, become a runner, lose 100 pounds, get out of debt, write a book.

That’s a big year. But fuck it. Dream big! It’s pretty reasonable once some of them are consolidated …

  1. Sell everything I own and move to the ocean
  2. Become a runner and lose 100 pounds
  3. Get out of debt
  4. Write a book

Move, save money, get in shape. And write a book, though it’s not really a book, more of a project that needs some serious preparation.

2013 began with a single goal and morphed into a whole series of surprises. I hope 2014 is full of surprises as well.

6 Comments

  1. Jeff, by the time I hit 30 I had 4 points also. might have 5 now. The 30’s are what you make of them and you seem to be the kind of person who is going to smoke their 30’s and come shooting out the other side ready to take on the rest of their life.
    I look back on my 30’s and see things I could have done better, more of, less of, the usual shit. Any regrets I have about my 30’s have pushed me to do things in my 40’s.
    I took up running at 38, but didn’t become series untill I was 43 or so. This year I set 8 new PR’s and i’m 49.
    You need to always be pushing, always be learning and never settling. When you find something great like running, a wife, dream job, grab ahold of it with both hands.
    Merry Christmas!
    Andy

    • Very true. That’s what I’m discovering. If something makes you happy, don’t give it up so easily. I don’t think I’ll ever say I wish I would’ve written less, explored less, ran less, played with my nephew less. So make time for those things. I have to constantly remind myself though.

  2. Love this! Try the Midlife Crisis of your 50s … You are awesome that you are even thinking of this sh*t in your 30s. Most people around you are asleep. You will find that out in that ten years after turning 35 that you reference. It’s why everybody suffers then. Luckily, they say in your 50s, people get happier than they’ve ever been, and it continues. I’ve found it to be true. Good luck… I can’t wait to keep reading!

  3. Those are huge goals but you have a great attitude and drive! Best of luck as you do the scary but exciting work of growing.

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